Topic of the month: Caregiving
By: Tracy Line
In 2014 I added a new skill to my resume: caregiver for my father. Had I trained for this position? Did I complete a course about Parkinson’s disease and dementia before starting? No. Instead life just happened. Mom passed away and taking care of Dad became my responsibility. I’ve learned a great deal about caring for a loved one in the last four years. Below are five of the most important truths I’ve discovered as I care for my father.
1-Perfect is overrated. As dad’s health has declined, he has moved from his home to assisted living and is now in a memory care facility. The care he receives is wonderful but not perfect. There are times when a staff member forgets to put out his special utensils for lunch. Once we couldn’t find his shoes, as it turned out another resident had borrowed them. He’s had clothes misplaced in the resident laundry. These issues can be frustrating, yet I know things happen. And if I look at the big picture, such things don’t really matter. My father is well loved, fed and cared for by the staff, and he is happy. Nothing is more important than that.
2-Little moments matter. Like all of us, Dad has good days and bad. The bad days are difficult for me. I feel sad he isn’t who he used to be, I worry about the future and sometimes I feel like my visits are a waste of time. But I finally realized small moments are also big moments. On days when he is struggling to walk or think, I can be that friendly voice, warm hug, or extra hands needed to provide him reassurance. It doesn’t really matter if he has trouble communicating with me, or whether he will later remember our visit. What does matters is that he gains pleasure in the time we are together, whether he can express it or not.
3-Everyone needs to feel understood. Once as I left my father’s locked building, I discovered another (memory impaired) resident trying to leave with me. My initial reaction was to firmly tell her she had to stay there. Immediately I saw fear in her eyes. So instead of fleeing the building, I took her hand and calmly told her we’d walk together to find the nurse. She was overcome with relief. This incident taught me how terrifying it must be to lose your mind and how important it is to be understood. I now keep this in mind as I care for my father.
4-Ask for Help When You Need It. You can’t care for a loved one without going through a variety of emotions: sadness, grief, guilt and even anger are common. There is no reason to carry the load alone. Find a friend, hire a helper, or join a support group. Help is out there and you need to take it.
5-Forgive yourself, over and over again. For years I beat myself up over every little thing I did. I felt guilty for taking so long to get Dad new clothes when he lost weight. I felt terrible for bringing him candy all the time when he later got 5 cavities. I stressed when I missed paying one of his bills. One day I realized carrying all this guilt was not productive. In fact it was robbing me of my energy and joy. I now try give myself grace and remember I’m doing a lot for Dad while also continuing to be a wife, mother, community volunteer and part-time employee.
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